And in other news….

“Cool your jets turbo!”

Those were the last words heard by Oldlady Bagobones today, before being catapulted across the train tracks and through the windows of the Moxies on the corner of 8st & 7th ave Sw today. The woman was thrown to her death by a woman known only as Sly, after getting off the southbound train on the 8th St platform.

When asked why she had done such a heinous act, Sly had this to say: “Here’s what happened. I was standing in front of the doors waiting for the train to stop so I could get off the train. Suddenly, I feel an arm come around from behind me gripping the pole I was holding on to. A lady was doing this in order to get in front of me. She proceeded to push me towards this man, with questionable stains on his clothes, standing against the driver car wall. Now I don’t like getting pushed, let alone being forced to be pressed against random, ugly, dirty strangers. So I told her she could relax because I was also getting off at the same stop.”

(more…)

I know most, if not all, of you don’t give a crap about this franchise. That doesn’t mean you can’t read on to see me make fun of this picture.

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm146312192/tt1325004

“It all begins…..with a choice”. Too bad they chose this shot of Kristin Stewart.

The above link is for the “official new Eclipse movie”. Robert Pattinson is looking good. So is cutie pattotie Taylor Lautner. Take a look at Kristin Stewart’s eyes. Is it just me or does she look kind of drunk? Or bored? I don’t know, but her left eye looks like it’s drooping, and it’s just not flattering. It’s downright funny to me.

This girl has a serious case of “Bitch Face” ,as I like to call it, in her pictures. This is where a woman looks bitchy all the time. Even if they’re not bitchy, it just looks like it. She isn’t bitchy all the time, in fact she’s really cute in some interviews I’ve seen. I guess I would probably look bitchy in most of my pictures too if I was surrounded by a bunch of teenage girls screaming at my co-star. It’s almost like she’s trying to do the Megan Fox pose sometimes. Where she looks sultry in everything? Because Megan Fox is a hottie, it works for her. Not so much for this girl.

She also has a case of the “Chris O’donell”. This is where someone has their mouth open most of the time. Also, her hair extensions are really obvious. Is that a Bumpits? My goodness, this poor girl.

Ok, I’m done making fun of this poor girl’s unfortunate shot. My point here? Someone really should have gotten the “America’s Next Top Model” judges on this picture, because it never would’ve made it to the “official” status due to “droopy eye” and hair that stands unnaturally high off her head. This girl is cuter than this picture is giving her credit for. Seriously. Drunk in love isn’t what they were going for with the movies.

I listen to the radio for 8 hours a day at work. It’s either that or silence, so I opt for radio, even though I don’t like any of the stations. The stations that play music I do like are very repetitive, and unfortunately play the other crap I don’t like either. Things like 5 cents change and so on.

I have to say there are some pretty funny/dumb song lyrics out there. I can understand a song sung by some kid being silly. Especially if they wrote it themselves. I would never make fun of a child on my site. Ok, I might, but I’d like to point out that none of these lyrics are from Bieber or Cyrus. I forgive their silly lyrics due to the fact that they have not experienced life yet.

These songs are sung by grown ups. Not just grown ups, but people who seem to think they’re badass and therefore super duper cool. No so.

1. Generic rockband-”Nobody wins when everyone’s losing.”: Why is it dumb? Well, because it’s redundant. This is from one of those Theory of a Nicked Eleven “rock” bands. I don’t know which one. They all sound exactly the same to me. A bunch of middle aged douches standing on slightly bent knees, moving slightly back and forth until the point in the song where they move away from the mic dramatically to showcase their ROCK moves. Anyway, every time I hear this song lyric I cringe. It’s like saying everyone gets wet if they go in the water or something equally as obvious. This is the best they could come up with? Why not just say, “everyone’s unhappy and it sucks for all of us.”

(more…)

In a previous Random Rant I expressed my hate for some commercials. Sadly, not much has changed, except of course that there are now new stupid commercials for me to bitch about.

Before I go on, I have to give kudos to an awesome commercial. It’s the new Old Spice commercial. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch it here.

I would wager a bet to say that a woman came up with this idea. Seriously, when Zaal and I saw this, neither one of us could look away, and we burst into laughter after it was done. It captivated my attention. It’s clever, the man is very attractive and, sadly, is not my man. I love my husband, but let’s be honest, this guy is hot. It’s not contrived, like other commercials looking to use sex appeal. It’s an unknown guy showcasing random predominantly female fantasies. And some male ones too I’m sure.

(more…)

The radio is on in the background and the DJ is attempting to make conversation with his “audience” by asking people to call in with what people do that annoy them when they go see a movie in theaters.

To be honest, and not surprisingly, many things annoy me at the movies. In a perfect world I would own my own theater and I wouldn’t have to tolerate other people at all when I’m trying to get lost in a world and story that is not my own. Someday I will have my own in home theater in my basement. I will have seats with drink holders and a little table for the popcorn bowl. I will be the host of many awesome marathons. Only a select few will be invited. A girl can dream can’t she? Geez.

Sure there’s the annoying ass behind me that kicks my seat. I hate that. Holy baby jeebus do I ever. People who keep crossing and uncrossing their legs with no regard for the unstable crazy lady in front should be shot.

(more…)

I’m not into the Olympics. If you are, you probably don’t want to read this.

I hate them in fact. For many reasons.

1. I don’t get the point. I’m not into sports and I don’t care for people who are. Certain ones don’t bother me as much. Soccer and Basketball maybe. But sports like boxing or hockey, where the guys spend half their time knocking each others teeth out, I just can’t get into.

(more…)

I love the Starbucks at my work. I just went there today and felt inspired to write this (remarkably cheesy) poem. Enjoy.

ODE TO STARBUCKS

I love the cold drinks, And I love the hots;
I especially love it, When you give me free shots.

I pay for a Grande, You give me a Venti;
You reward my loyalty, With caffeine a plenty.

Your ladies are lovely, They call me by my name;
I frequent other Bucks, But they’re just not the same.

So here’s to you, Starbucks, Thanks for making my day;
Even with your high prices, I’d have it no other way.

Ok, so I’m being a little facetious with the title statement of this post. I have to deal with a great deal of BS at my job. I work as an office assistant in a parking office. On a college campus. A trades college no less.

I have to deal with people at the window, on an intercom, I get to take most of the phone calls and emails. I decided to post an exchange I had with one of these delightful creatures via email. This one is a student.

To call this guy a “douche” would be an insult to douches everywhere. They, at least, are useful. They exist to serve a purpose.

This idiot does not.

I have changed the names and taken out any identifying parts and replaced them with my generic capital letter words. Anything in brackets ( ) will be my own comments. Believe me, I have plenty of commentary that I was unable to pass on to this idiot because it would be unprofessional and may in fact come back to bite me later.

---

From: Idiot [im-an-idiot@idiotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 04, 2010 9:57 AM
To: MY WORK EMAIL
Subject:

Hello. I will be attending SCHOOL from Feb 8 through to mid April. I would like to purchase a monthly pass but am having trouble locating rates. Am I able to use the new lot (underground) and if so what are the rates and how to I pay? (HOW TO YOU PAY? WELL, I TON’T KNOW) Can I do it online yada yada. (YOU FORGOT THE 3RD YADA. JEEZ, IF YOU’RE GOING TO RIP OFF A POP CULTURE SAYING, DO IT RIGHT.)

Thanks

Idiot

From: MY WORK

Date: Thu, 04 Feb 2010 10:53:29 -0700

To: Idiot<im-an-idiot@idiotmail.com>

Subject: RE:

Good morning; (MY ATTEMPT TO BE COURTEOUS. WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS)

All passes for our lots must be purchased in person at the parking office with a valid SCHOOL Id and credit card.

Unfortunately, (SEE, I EXPRESSED REGRET. WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN FEEL. I WAS FAKING IT, AND LIKE ALL MEN, HE DIDN’T KNOW) we do not sell passes for the underground to students. Staff are the only ones eligible for a pass in that lot. There is daily parking on the top level for 12$ a day.

We have P1 and P3 passes available however if you would be interested in purchasing one. (I GAVE HIM OTHER OPTIONS. I DIDN’T JUST SHATTER HIS DREAM AND WALK AWAY.) We do sell our passes on a calendar month basis.

Thank you;

MY FABULOUS SIGNATURE

(more…)

This is for all you gaming widows out there. Here are a few steps that may just help you get closer to your gamer, and maybe even avoid some unnecessary arguments.

Step 1:  When he puts on his headset, don’t bother talking to him unless it’s to let him know the place is on fire. Or a trip to the ER is required.

Step 2:  While he’s on teamspeak AKA he’s talking to other guys ignoring their significant others, don’t harp. Do you know how many stupid conversations he’s had to listen to while you were on the phone with your friends?

Step 3:  You know how he’ll start talking about his latest game conquest, or some raid he has to do at 5pm, ect… and you just don’t have a clue what he’s talking about? Or you don’t care? Just pretend. Nod and smile. “That’s great honey, good luck!” Chances are you’ve talked his ear off about some bitch at work, or your shoes, or your hair. Did he care? Maybe not. Did he listen? I hope so. If he was wearing his headset, he probably didn’t even hear you.

Step 4:  Have you ever found yourself trying to talk to him while he’s playing, and he just didn’t seem to be responsive? Or his response was aggressive or short and it made you want to slap him? How dare he be short with me? Chances are he was in the middle of a big fight he wasn’t quite sure he was going to win and you were breaking his concentration. If you want his attention, here are a couple of things to look at before talking to him: Are there a lot of dudes crowded around something that looks evil? Don’t talk to him yet. Are there lots and lots of colors and lights floating around? Don’t talk to him. Is he typing a lot and clicking the mouse rather aggressively? Don’t talk to him yet. Is his little dude just running aimlessly through the woods, and there’s nothing else around? You’re good. Is his dude pounding on something, maybe a rock or a tree? And there’s nothing else around? You’re good. Is there a lot of little boxes with pictures of meat and bottles and it says “inventory” at the top of the big square? You’re good. Unless he’s clicking like a crazy person, then that means he’s trying to equip something really fast to try and kill the big thing that’s about to kill him. In that case, wait a minute or two. He’ll probably die, and then you have a couple of seconds before he resurrects.

(more…)

Let me start by saying that I’m not a bitter single woman who is going to bash Valentine’s day because I have no one to celebrate it with and therefore am against the holiday for it. I’m happily married. I’ve been with my husband for over 9 years and married for almost 6. I still think Valentine’s day is kinda bullshit.

I believe that if a couple is really in love, they should celebrate it often, and at random. Not because the day on the calendar dictates that they should. Anything that forces a man (let’s be honest, V day is mostly a woman’s holiday) to go to the store to buy flowers and candy for fear that the significant other is going to be upset is just plain dumb. It’s asking for trouble.

I understand the initial novelty of the day. If you’ve been single for a long time and suddenly you find yourself coupled up on V day, great. Have at it. Or you’re a young teenage couple and suddenly V day isn’t just about passing around cardboard with cartoons and clever sayings on it. It’s about kissing a boy or a girl and getting your first Valentine’s day flowers. Both those experiences meant a lot to me and I treasure them.

(more…)