I usually try to go to good movies. How do I decide which movies are going to be worth my 13$ ticket price, 25$ snack price and 2-3 hours of my time?

The trailers.

Here are a few gems I felt like sharing. Gems that should have stayed buried. I’m not going to lie, some look semi-interesting. That’s the point, isn’t it? The “best” parts are in the trailer, and what you’re left with upon viewing, is crap. Please read the synopsis at the bottom of each screen of the trailer. They’re almost as good as the trailers themselves.

First up is Step Up 3D.
Why do we need a third installment of this series? Well, because we haven’t seen everything we need to see about dancing, that’s why! And, for extra drama (and ratings) they’ve suckled upon the ratings milking teat, and  stepped it up in 3D. 2D dancing is readily available on TV with shows like So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Starts (or people who wish they still were) and so on. Who wants to see that?

The target audience want style. They want bad acting. They want over choreographed chopped up little bits of dance that every now and then gets slowed down in slo-mo, for dramatic effect. Maybe let’s throw some water in there to splash around too. Yes, now that’s what I’m talking about.

Warning: This one’s gross. Next on my list, The Human Centipede.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you linked a bunch of people up, from ass to mouth, to create a human centipede? Someone did, and decided not only would it be a crazy idea, but committed it to paper, got the funding to actually produce it, and actors to portray it in a movie.

I especially like the use of the line “A one—of—a—kind experience that is guaranteed to shock and divide audiences.” in the synopsis. How so exactly? Are people going to be rooting for this German Dr. Heiter? Hail Heiter? You go on and work on those human experiments. The world must know what is possible, no matter the cost! The only division I foresee from audiences is the division between those looking to throw up in the bathrooms versus those looking to do so in the wastebaskets.

The preview that prompted this rant: Piranha 3D
I just saw this on TV, and thought it was going to be called Mini-Jaws. This one, however, seems to be a cautionary tale to underwater explorers and spring break goers. If a big guy using a blow horn tells you to get your skinny, drunk ass off the beach, do it. Don’t tell him you have more booze. Don’t tell the bleach blond pop tart in front of you to “take it off”. Just get your ass out of the water and go read a book. Or die. Painfully, loudly, and in 3D. (That poor cow’s teat must be sore.)

These particular piranha’s disappeared 2 million years ago! So they’re more interesting. Apparently. The whole Jaws rip off becomes apparent when for a second, during the preview, between the pop up bloody words HOW and FAST, none other than the only surviving main cast member of Jaws is on screen. That’s right folks, Richard Dreyfuss is on a boat, and it’s not big enough.

Then there’s Survival Of The Dead.
Strange isn’t it? These guys (movies) just won’t die! Just when you thought Romero’s Diary Of The Dead would be the hint that beating a one trick pony with a stick is counterproductive, he comes up with this one. WHY?????? The stories are ALWAYS the same. There is little to no diversity in the genre. Sorry, but it’s true.

I enjoy a switch up. 28 Days Later, Shawn Of The Dead, etc…. These are sometimes not seen as “true zombie movies”. Too bad. I can only see so many slow motion meat bags skulking around while some idiots either shoot at them with little to no accuracy, or scream while running away. Zombie’s are slow, they can’t climb, and you really don’t need to keep looking back. I assure you, they’re not gaining up on you. You can power walk and stay far ahead of them. Just keep moving forward. Zombieland really has great tips on how to survive a Zombie infestation. Now that’s a good zombie movie. Funny, entertaining and different. My kind of movie.

My husband Zaal loves Zombie movies. I like them. I should specify that I like good ones. Classics, and good new ones. They’ve everywhere now. It’s like they’re trying to actually infest the world with a movie virus and actually bring the zombie species to life, via multiple exposure. We get it. Zombies are trendy. Why not have “Team Slow” and “Team Fast” shirts made up? Maybe next we’ll have zombie tween romance books too?

Excerpt from “Zombie Love: Undead is SOOO in right now” by Sly Z. – He walked towards me, and I could tell he wanted me. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me for my body or my brains. Or my heart. Do zombies eat hearts? I don’t know. Anyway, he stood still for a moment, staring at me. I wanted to go to him, I wanted to hold him, but I could tell he was hungry. His stomach, which I could see through a hole through his body, was empty. Damn. I guess I’d have to get that homeless guy, Mac, from the back of my car after all.

After eating his Big Mac, I walked towards him, arms outstretched, awaiting my lover’s embrace. I had my helmet on, just in case he was in the mood for desert. I didn’t want my brains to be on the menu. I got my muzzle and gently placed it over his mouth. Why risk bodily harm? I’m in love, I’m not stupid. Any woman out there will tell you all they want is a man who can listen to them. My lover listened, and listened well. I didn’t have to worry about other women. I didn’t have to worry about him leaving me on a Saturday night to go catch a game with the boys. Best of all, he never spoke. I didn’t have to listen to his angst riddled life story. I didn’t have to hear how terrible he felt about being “undead” and how sorry he was that he craved my flesh. He simple grunted every now and then when he was hungry. Some things you just can’t avoid regardless if your lover’s hearts is beating or not.

Ok, so I’m not going to be writing zombie love novels. My own imagination is disgusting me at the moment, so I simply can’t go on.

These are just a few of the movie I will not be seeing this Summer. Thank you for once visiting. Until next time, this is Sly, signing off.

Disclaimer: “Zombie Love: Undead is SOOO in right now” is not a real book. I just made that stuff up. If you were interested in reading it, please seek professional help. I’m down with vampires, but zombie’s are all slimy and gross. Come on!

This entry was posted on Friday, May 28th, 2010 at 9:39 am and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.