Who steals from the rich, and gives to the poor? Not Robin Hood. At least, not yet in this version of the story.
In case you weren’t already aware, the legend of Robin Hood is just that. A legend. There isn’t any real historical evidence that this guy existed. In this version of the story, Ridley Scott (director) and his band of merry men, IE: Brian Helgeland (screenplay) took some liberties with the “original” story.
Robin Hood wasn’t bad. It was just sort of boring. It’s 2H20M l0ng, but not interesting enough to justify it.
First, a little of the original “legend” for those who don’t know. Robin Hood’s real name is Robert Loxley of Nottingham. He’s steals from the rich and gives to the poor. The king wants his head, he has some people he hangs out with and he eventually gets it on with Lady Marion. If you want a better, less lazy, account of the legend, go here.
Russel Crowe is Robin Longstride. He’s an archer in King Richard the Lion Heart’s army. While Robin and his 3 army buddies are restrained in stocks for fighting, the king is killed. The 4 men run away and encounter some dead or dieing knights in the woods. Robin shoots one of his arrows towards one of the attackers, Godfrey (Mark Strong), leaving him scared in the face. Of course he does. What would a story be without a defaced villain who holds a grudge against the hero of the story for doing so? One of the dieing knights is Sir Robert Loxley of Nottingham. With his dieing breath, he asks Robin to bring his sword back to his father, William Loxley of Nottingham.
Robin and his 3 friends decide to take the dead knights gold, clothes (so they can impersonate the knights), horses and the king’s crown, and make their way to the king’s castle so that Richard’s younger brother, John, can be crowned the new king. Robin keeps his word and makes his way to Nottingham in order to return the sword, where he encounters Friar Tuck, Maid Marion, who happens to be Robert Loxley’s wife, and a town being robbed of it’s grain by the evil church. Why not? William Loxley is a blind, sick old man, Maid Marion (Cate Blanchett) is a strong willed (bitter) woman who farms, and spends all her share of the dialogue coming off preachy or bitchy, and Friar Tuck is a Honey Mead booze making bootlegger. Again, why not? All the teenage boys of Nottingham have taken to the woods because their fathers all went to war 10 years ago and they have no strong male leadership. Sure.
After a conversation with William, it’s decided that Robin needs to pretend to be his son, Robert Loxley of Nottingham. This is so that when William dies, Marion can keep her land. It’s been 10 years since Robert left for war, so no one would know the difference anyway. Robin has no one to go home to, he never knew his own father, so he agrees. It turns out later that William knew Robin as a child, and he helps Robin relive the horrible experience of watching his father getting decapitated. Awesome. There’s some stuff involving the French wanting to invade. Godfrey, who is the king’s new marshal, happens to be an Englishman working for the French. Treachery!
There’s a big battle at the end, which ends with the French rowing away with their tails between their legs, and making Robin the hero. This makes King John look bad, he holds a grudge and makes Robin of the Hood (get it?) an outlaw. The movie ends with Robin, Marion, the merry men, which is made up of his 3 army buddies and the teenage boys from the woods and some other supporters, all living in the woods where the Nottingham boys lived. So begins the legend of Robin Hood. I guess he starts doing all his rich robing good deeds after the credits roll. At 45 years old in the 13th century, I’m sure he has many years of good robbing ahead of him.
Robin’s 3 friends/army buddies are apparently there for comic relief. Little John is still ironically names so, not because he’s a fat guy like he’s usually portrayed, but because he’s 6″6′. Giant! These 3 guys were pretty funny, and quite honestly, the best part of the movie. Russel Crowe was boring. He’s forgettable, playing Robin with little to no charm and coming off like a zombie the whole time. His facial expressions only changed when he squinted to shoot his arrow, which he only did 3 times in the movie. I love Cate Blanchett, but I didn’t like Maid Marion. They tried to make her fierce and strong and able to defend herself, but she lacked honor and dignity. After finding out her husband is dead, she waits all of 3 days to fall in love with Robin. God only knows why. She’s not very likable in it, and she also attempts to help out in the final battle, failing miserably. I guess no one told her chain mail doesn’t float?
You can tell how you’re supposed to feel during the movie based on the score. There were 3 types in this movie. Exciting battle music, bad news music and goofy comic relief/courtship music. The movie isn’t all that interesting, even with the strange changes in the already over told story. The most interesting character was Little John, mainly because he was funny every time he talked.
I’m getting bored of this review, that’s how boring this movie was. So ends this sly review. Tune in next time for something a little more interesting. I hope.
I love your reviews. I can read the first paragraph and decide whether or not I want to go see something.
You should get paid for this shizz. Or at the very least get free passes
I should get paid. That would be the best job ever. I was told I write my reviews for people who actually go see movies. It’s fun and I get to ramble on about something I’m passionate about. Even the boring ones.