This is for all you gaming widows out there. Here are a few steps that may just help you get closer to your gamer, and maybe even avoid some unnecessary arguments.

Step 1:  When he puts on his headset, don’t bother talking to him unless it’s to let him know the place is on fire. Or a trip to the ER is required.

Step 2:  While he’s on teamspeak AKA he’s talking to other guys ignoring their significant others, don’t harp. Do you know how many stupid conversations he’s had to listen to while you were on the phone with your friends?

Step 3:  You know how he’ll start talking about his latest game conquest, or some raid he has to do at 5pm, ect… and you just don’t have a clue what he’s talking about? Or you don’t care? Just pretend. Nod and smile. “That’s great honey, good luck!” Chances are you’ve talked his ear off about some bitch at work, or your shoes, or your hair. Did he care? Maybe not. Did he listen? I hope so. If he was wearing his headset, he probably didn’t even hear you.

Step 4:  Have you ever found yourself trying to talk to him while he’s playing, and he just didn’t seem to be responsive? Or his response was aggressive or short and it made you want to slap him? How dare he be short with me? Chances are he was in the middle of a big fight he wasn’t quite sure he was going to win and you were breaking his concentration. If you want his attention, here are a couple of things to look at before talking to him: Are there a lot of dudes crowded around something that looks evil? Don’t talk to him yet. Are there lots and lots of colors and lights floating around? Don’t talk to him. Is he typing a lot and clicking the mouse rather aggressively? Don’t talk to him yet. Is his little dude just running aimlessly through the woods, and there’s nothing else around? You’re good. Is his dude pounding on something, maybe a rock or a tree? And there’s nothing else around? You’re good. Is there a lot of little boxes with pictures of meat and bottles and it says “inventory” at the top of the big square? You’re good. Unless he’s clicking like a crazy person, then that means he’s trying to equip something really fast to try and kill the big thing that’s about to kill him. In that case, wait a minute or two. He’ll probably die, and then you have a couple of seconds before he resurrects.

Step 5:  It’s Christmas time and you don’t know what to get him. Some gamers are hard to buy for. They really don’t have that many interests. There’s the computer, food, caffeinated beverages, and sometimes porn. I’m sure we as wives/partners fall in there somewhere. But they already have us, hence the need for shopping. Here are some ideas to help you out: Rockstar drinks. A stick of RAM. If he has an old CRT monitor, and you can afford it, get him a nice widescreen LCD monitor. For the gift that keeps on giving, get them a subscription for his favorite computer/gaming magazine. It’s Xmas every month, and you’ll never have to check the mail again. If you haven’t already done so and you can get your hands on one, get him one of those Star Wars FX Lightsaber replicas. They have a button on them to light it all authentic like and it makes the noises like in the movies. It’s great. You might just find yourself coming home one day to find the digital camera sitting out and, instead of pictures, you find a video of him playing with it yelling “I am Darth Zaal bitches.” It’s the funniest thing you’ll ever see him do.

Step 6:  If you have a gamer husband who also knows a lot about computers, and you also enjoy using a computer yourself, think of all the money you’re saving! Do you know how much these IT guys charge to look at your computer? How much a video card or hard drive costs to replace? I don’t. Cause I married a Geek! How much did I pay for my computer? Nothing! It’s made up of all his “old” parts from when he upgraded. Now I still can’t bring myself to understand the need for a new video/sound card when the old one works. I guess you need them for the newer games because those gaming companies make it so you can only enjoy it if you have the newest versions of these things. Either way, I get a free computer out of the deal and, since I don’t play computer games, I don’t need the newest version of anything. The fact that I even know what all this stuff is never ceases to amaze my friends. I tell people they probably need more RAM and they look at me like I’m crazy. “What the hell is that?” they say. I had someone tell me he paid some guy $500 to fix his computer, and in my mind that’s the cost of a full machine, without the monitor. That’s just crazy. You know what I do when I need my computer looked at? “Honey………..” tap tap on his shoulder because he’d be sitting next to me on his own computer.

Step 7:  Whenever you start feeling grumpy that he spends all his time in front of the computer instead of with you, remember that there are worse things. At least he’s at home and sober. Now I’m not sure what kind of setup you all have, but the deal at our house is the computer goes in the living room. That way we’re in the same room. If that’s not your setup, you should make it so immediately. Room or no room, sometimes you need to make sacrifices to make the relationship work. If you can justify the space for an end table that holds nothing more than a lamp and a coaster, go to IKEA and get a stand up lamp and donate the table. Your husband is worth more space than a piece of wood. You get the TV, he gets the computer. I’m a fan of this concept myself. You could’ve fallen in love with one of those sports guys who would want to watch the game, i.e. you’re screwed, and invite all his friends over to drink beer and make a mess on YOUR couch and carpet. Or worse he goes out to the bar/pub, usually without you, to watch the game on “the big screen” and sometime later he comes home drunk and broke. Gamers don’t have to leave their house to hang out with their friends. They just log on. Instead of beer cans you’ll be cleaning up Rockstar or Full Throttle cans. And they’ll be neatly surrounding his keyboard.

Step 8:  The LAN party. Not sure what the acronym stands for. I like to think it’s short for Lots A Nerds. Maybe Live Action Nerds? This is when he takes his computer with him to a pre determined place, usually a big space, and a bunch of his friends, acquaintances, people he’s never even head of, get together to play the same game together on the same network. Sometimes it’s an online game, sometimes it’s not and that’s why they need to be in the same room so they can hook up their computers together. This means you can have the whole place to yourself. Feel free to blare Celine Dion ,or whatever music he hates, and watch chick flicks ALL DAY. You could be nice and help him carry his monitor to the car. It’s heavy and he’s going to have to lug it back and forth a couple of times. Remind him to bring his own power bar. Ok, so LAN means Local Area Network. I like mine better.

Step 9:  If you’re bored and you have the urge to spend time with him, but he simply refuses to get off the computer, pull up a chair. Don’t just get pissy and storm off. Hang out at his computer with him. Talk about what he’s doing. You may just start understanding what all those guys are doing. Root for his little dude when he kills something. He might need help dumping stuff from the 5 backpacks he inexplicably can carry around with him, and his organizational skills suck, so you can help him make room. A lot of the time he’s not doing anything important so you can chat while he’s crafting, or mining or whatever. Every now and then he’ll create a new character, so I usually do it for him. It’s fun. You pick the hair and nose and how tall they are. It’s like playing a god, but without all the responsibility. I don’t play computer games, but when my husband tells me he’s grouping with some guys to do a raid at 5, and we need to leave the mall at 4 because he needs to make some space in his inventory, I know what the hell he’s talking about. That may or may not have happened 2 Saturdays ago.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 31st, 2010 at 11:15 am and is filed under Random Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.