Commercials have the opposite effect on me than desired by the manufacturers of their products. I get annoyed and actually bitch to my TV (which drives my husband insane).

I just saw a commercial for a candy bar, encouraging people to eat it in order to feel a sense of being on a break. An X-ray diagram comes up of the guy’s head. Inside is a hamster on a wheel. While he ingests the chocolate covered caramel/nougat filling, the little hamster starts to run. It didn’t really make me want to eat the stupid chocolate bar. I don’t want a hamster for a brain as a result of consumption. I hope there’s some sort of warning on the package about that.

There’s another one for tampons. Yup. Tampons. The whole thing is a bunch of women dancing around. I don’t dance around when I have my period. I usually sit miserably and bite anyone who gets too close. Sorry honey.

My least favorite at the moment is one for jeans. 2 “teenagers” are standing very close to each other and having a conversation that sounds like they’re about to get it on for the first time. “Have you done this before?” “Do you trust me?” type crap. They’re getting undressed and long shot! They’re jumping off the side of a pier into the water! Oh, they tricked us. Buy these jeans! The icing is the shot from under them in the water, from the girl’s side of course, and we get to see a lovely shot of her crotch! Woohoo! I’ve never desired a product more than I do now! These jeans will make me young again, and make me jump in questionable waters. Who falls for this crap?

Oh and yogurt will make you regular. Or lose weight. Did you know that?

A cell phone commercial shows a guy about to go to college and as his friend stumbles upon a lady’s name, she asks who is she? Oh my, how mysterious. We find out it’s his mom! Who puts their mother’s name in a cell phone? Mine’s under “mom n’ dad” and my friend has it as “mamma”. If I get in an accident I don’t want them going down the list of names to guess which one gave birth to me.

Seriously, I’m going to lose my mind.

To balance this hate of commercials, I figure I should mention one I love. It’s Mr. T’s “World of Warcraft” commercial. “Shut up fool!” It’s hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, youtube it right now. I can’t imagine Mr. T sitting at his computer playing the game, nor does it make me want to play the game, but it’s damn entertaining. Fool!

This is for Janice. Here is a list of movies that feature Mr. Norton without a shirt. Now, I know it sounds like we’re objectifying the man. We are. He’s sexy. With no shirt, he’s even sexier. Even while donning a swastika in one of his movies, the man is just plain sexy.

So here they are:

-         American History X: He plays a skin head who reforms and realizes the error of his ways. It’s a great movie. Made even greater by a very buff, shirtless, Edward Norton.

-         Fight Club: He plays a car dealer employee who resorts to acquiring an imaginary friend/dual personality in order to cope with his own mundane existence. It’s one of my favorite movies. Yes Brad Pitt is also shirtless in this movie. But who cares. Norton trumps Pitt for me any day.

-         Death to Smoochy: In this one, he’s a giant pink rhinoceros singing children’s songs. It’s a black comedy. It’s pretty funny, but a little strange. The shirtless part is very brief, but worth it. Mmmhmmm.

-         Down in the Valley: So this is a really weird, kind of disturbing movie. My friend Janice and I watched it (we were just starting to hang out) simply because he’s in it. We kept yelling “take off your shirt” the entire time. And he did! It was a bonding experience for us. It brought us closer together as friends. Now it’s kind of an inside joke. Every time we see Edward Norton, the impulse to yell “take off your shirt” is really strong.

-         The illusionist: Ok, so no shirtless Norton in this one. But the movie is great, and there’s a scene where Jessica Biel is blabbing about something and Bang! He shuts her up with a kiss. Man, to be Jessica Biel in that instant. Oh yeah.

-         The Hulk: Janice and I went to it together, and I jokingly said that all I wanted was for the opening scene to be a shirtless Edward Norton. I didn’t think it would really be the opening scene. Wouldn’t you know it? It was! And many shirtless moments occurred as well. Sure sometimes he was CGI and green, but scrumptious nonetheless.

Gaming widow. A common name some of us get called. For those of you not familiar with it, it’s the term used to describe the significant other of a certain breed of gamer. It implies that when your husband, wife or partner in an online gamer, you’ve lost them in your life. At least until they get hungry or need to go to the bathroom.

Sure there are some moderate gamers out there. They only go online for a few hours here and there. But then there’s the other kind. The kind that made it so there was actually a need to classify their wives, husbands etc. with the term “gaming widow”.

I first heard this term a few years ago. I thought it was hilarious. Then it dawned on me that some people out there may not have my sense of humor. Perhaps they don’t understand the appeal the gamers in their lives have for the online game experience.

My husband told me once that some wives out there don’t even let their husbands use teamspeak. Don’t let them? How do they get away with that? If my husband told me I couldn’t do something, you know what I’d do? Let’s just say if we were on TV, “expletive deleted” would be needed on numerous occasions. I’m sure, however, that there are wives out there who have asked their husbands nicely to not use it and, being the considerate creatures they are, they’ve complied.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why they find it annoying. You’re in a room with someone talking to someone else you can’t see. Usually their back is to you, and they’re talking to a computer monitor. It looks crazy. You only hear one side of a, let’s face it, ridiculous conversation. Out of nowhere you’ll hear “get out, get out, get out” or “grenade!” if he’s playing a war based game. It’s a little unnerving. Grenade? Where?!? Oh wait, he’s talking about the other world he lives in.

If he’s playing one of the other types of games, the most common ones, like WOW or LOTRO, you’re more likely to hear something like “cast a healing spell already” or “grab the loot off that orc.” Not quite as intense. Thankfully, this is the type of game my husband prefers. It still sounds crazy. But I find it amusing.

When I heard about teamspeak, the ability to talk to your team mates, guild mates or whatever you want to call them, I thought it was awesome. How cool is that? Believe it or not, I’d rather he talk to them than have to listen to his frantic typing when he’s excited and trying to communicate and, at the same time, trying not to get killed.

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